Nov 10, 2020

What an amazing few days it has been.

On Saturday, November 7th, 2020, the Star Phoenix published an article with commentary about me and the public speaking I have done with regard to the virtue of chastity and my own journey towards healing from trauma. It has been quite the journey, and I am always happy to share how that has unfolded in my life, and what I have learned along the way. I believe that the more voices there are sharing stories of healing, in whatever context, the better off we will be as a community, as a city, and even as a nation.

Stemming from that article, however, I received some very colorful messages that basically outlined how awful a person I must be for believing what I do. The problem is that this article misrepresents what I actually do believe. In fact, there were three misrepresentations in the headline alone, as described below.

The Headline: Catholic trustee candidate encourages chastity from LGBTQ2+ people, turn from ‘transgender inclinations’ 

 

 

The Misrepresentations

1. I don’t encourage chastity in only LGBTQ+ people, as the headline seems to imply; I do, however, propose chastity to all people. The headline makes it appear that I am singling out a particular group of people and therefore accept (or even promote) discrimination against the LGBTQ+ community, which is not the case. Also, it does nothing to clarify that chastity is a proposal of the Church and not an imposition of the Church.

2. I don’t encourage people to “turn from transgender inclinations.” I do, however, encourage all people to turn to Jesus Christ. This, in turn, includes proposing to all people that they open their hearts to growing in chastity and the fullness of virtue overall. The headline, however, makes it appear as though I think it is acceptable to tell transgender-identified people that they ought to not “be” transgender and or that I approve of telling people that they ought not to pursue fulfillment within a transgender mindset (in whatever way that manifests for any particular person). In fact, through my own lived experience as someone who used to self-identify as transgender, I know that those are very often not helpful things to tell to people.

3. I don’t propose that people choose celibacy. I do, however propose that people choose chastity. This is relevant because even though the headline uses the word “chastity,” I have come to learn that the vast majority of people (including Catholics) believe the falsehood that chastity and celibacy mean basically the same thing. However, the fact is that they are so different that it is possible for one person to be chaste but not celibate and for another person to be celibate but not chaste! Granted, the fact that chastity is not clarified as distinct from celibacy is not necessarily the fault of the Star Phoenix, for I could have chosen to respond to their messages beforehand to possibly clear that up. However, this distinction is of critical importance because the word “celibacy,” especially when perceived as being Church-imposed, most often carries within it the nuance that the Church, in Her “disdain” for the people of the LGBTQ+ community, does not “allow” them to love whom they love, and therefore does not “allow” them to come to fruition and or to experience fulfillment in who they are.

What needs to be underscored is that these three misrepresentations all point to the necessity of a proper understanding of chastity as understood by the Church. Without this understanding, a person is simply left to make assumptions about what the Church is saying without actually knowing the what the Church is saying. It would be akin to how someone who unknowingly sings the wrong lyrics to a song would likely be, at least to some degree, missing out on the meaning of the song as intended by the author of that song. As an analogy, we must understand the lyrics to the “Song of the Church” in order actually understand what the Song of the Church is all about.

How to Respond?

One might expect me to lash out in retaliation at those who, after seeing that article, chose to forthrightly express disparaging remarks about my character. In days prior, I very well might have done so, on account of the wounds of my heart that I had not yet begun to even recognize, let alone address. Even now, I am a work in progress, and I will be for the rest of my life, because that is how the process of healing from trauma works (though today I am moving forward, still acknowledging my past but no longer living within it). The reality is that I can’t lash out at them. Rather, I am drawn more and more to empathize with them; I have come to see that their responses are similar to what mine were before I understood what chastity was all about (and certainly before I realized that it was different than celibacy).

Also, from the bottom of my heart, I know that those who responded in anger believe their responses were right and just; I trust they have honorable intentions. However, because I too believe in striving to do what I believe is right and just, I more than ever desire to create a space of dialogue, or even perhaps simply a space for listening, so that I can hear the stories of these people who are upset, and learn more about what it is that moves their hearts in the way that they are moved.

In meeting with others, whether over coffee, breakfast, or beers, I want people to know that I am open to listening to what they have to say – not just for the sake of providing a counterpoint, but rather for the sake of real listening, motivated by a desire to respect and grow with those who are communicating with me.

To that end, I can be reached at info@hudsonbyblow.com to arrange a visit, online conversation, or even a debate if it is proposed in good will. I will do my best to respond in a timely manner.

A Further Explanation

For those who are interested in understanding more about what I actually believe, I offer this brief explanation.

As indicated earlier, when one perceives chastity and celibacy to be one and the same, as I once did, then it makes perfect sense that one might interpret the proposal of the Church that all people ought to pursue the virtue of chastity, to mean simply that the Church calls for the people of the LGBTQ+ community to live celibately. After all, if chastity and celibacy are the same, then what else could it mean?

Further, since the idea of “celibacy for the LGBTQ+ community” carries with it for some the idea that LGBTQ+ identified people have to forever forego a life of romance, sex, love, and fulfillment, a life in which they must forever deny “who they are” as persons in order to “appease” some purported “God of love,” the mere idea that people of the LGBTQ+ community “ought to live celibately” very rightly brings about a negative, visceral response in even the most loving of people, as I think it should. Can you imagine telling someone that they can’t love someone because of who they are, while it seems that “straight” people get a free pass to do whatever they want? That is what this ultimately boils down to, and the real hearts of real people are hurting and feeling discriminated against on that account. This is why I do not call propose that people of the LGBTQ+ community choose celibacy.

For the same reason that real hearts are hurting, I choose to not contribute to the propagation of the false idea that “who I am today” is who I must be forever going forward. That is a far too narrow-minded way of thinking, and I have seen it entrap person after person in despair and hopelessness – in some cases leading people to take their own life, despite having “allies” and the overall heft of an affirmative culture to support them. I cannot fathom how it would be charitable to entrap people within this sort of despair and hopelessness, especially when the concept of “who I am” is less to do with whatever attractions/inclinations a person might experience and more to do with a particular way of thinking. People ought to be able to think for themselves in all areas of life, including in developing a mindset that can help them move from where they are today into perhaps a better place, beyond despair and hopelessness. When we participate in the entrenchment of narrow thinking, we entrench many within that despair and hopelessness.

For the Catholics who might be shocked that I do not propose that people of the LGBTQ+ community choose celibacy, please note that I hope all people who are outside of marriage (as defined by the Church) are living in a state of celibacy, but it’s just that not all persons in a state of celibacy are choosing to live a life of abstinence. However, instead of proposing celibacy (which many equate to a life-time commitment to behavioral suppression), my obligation, motivated by love, is to strive to first and foremost bring about an encounter with the Lord Jesus Christ, full stop. Christ touches people’s hearts and this drives people to desire to walk towards Him more than before, on their own accord, and it is through this that people gradually open their hearts a little more to being open to growing in the fullness of virtue, which, as an after-effect, moves people a little closer to responding more favorably to the universally-offered proposal of chastity. Many people choose to reject Christ, virtue, and chastity, and that is their decision to make. No one can override a person’s decision to choose to reject chastity, because it is a matter of the heart, and, unlike both celibacy and abstinence, by definition, cannot be imposed.

Nonetheless, ideally, a person would be motivated to choose chastity simple because they have come to taste the interior peace, joy, hope, love, and or freedom that comes along with it, alongside possibly a burgeoning desire to cooperate with God’s grace. Also, it would be ideal that their journey in this regard was aided by the witness of others who were already profoundly manifesting the peace, joy, hope, love, and freedom of already striving to live chastely. Thus, the greatest thing that anyone could do, apart from prayer of course, would be to simply live a life within which we ourselves are striving to choose to cooperate with God’s grace, such that we are those radiant examples. If we focused on improving our own relationship with God in this way, then we would be able to radiate the love of Jesus Christ in a more joyful, beautiful, peaceful, and therefore more effective way. (Note: It’s not that God needs us for this, but rather that he offers us the opportunity to participate in this process with Him.) I highlight “peaceful” because where there is resentment, there is no peace. We must watch for resentment and be sure to purge it from our hearts immediately – it is a sure way to ever-increasing misery.

Again, with anyone who is not married as defined by the Catholic Church technically being a celibate, but with not all those in a state of celibacy abstaining, I re-emphasize that I support the Church’s teachings that anyone not currently married in the eyes of the Church (so, a celibate) should abstain from sexual activity. Doing so is foundational to being able to live celibately as it is intended to be lived by the Church – which is an opportunity to serve the Lord with an undivided heart, and that means without resentment, and in a way that can radiate the joy of living for Jesus Christ in a way that is impaired to the least possible degree. Unfortunately, however, there are enough examples of resentful celibacy that many people, outside and within the Church, have come to view it as something to begrudgingly accept, almost as if it were some kind of punishment, or perhaps merely as an awful “rule to follow.” Within those false understandings of celibacy, joy is absent, but so is an understanding of what God could do with someone’s heart if a person truly gave their heart to Him. For many people, including myself at one time, it was fear of the unknown that kept me in that mindset, and which kept my mindset so narrowed that I couldn’t see beyond it on my own accord. With such subtle but impactful differences between chastity, celibacy, and abstinence, and with people’s responses to each being proportional to the degree of injustice they perceive, it follows that what we propose and how we propose makes all the difference. Thus, the proposal of chastity versus the proposal of celibacy/abstinence carries massively different implications: The proposal of chastity is aligned with the proposal to grow in the fullness of virtue, the fullness of holiness, and the fullness of Christ (and which is rooted in the hope of what God could do in anyone’s life once a heart is surrendered to Him), the proposal of celibacy/abstinence (again, often misinterpreted as an imposition/command) is a proposal regarding relational circumstance and sexual actions – connected to ideas of what a person “can’t do.” Honestly, when people propose celibacy/abstinence, it literally breaks my heart – it is so focused on the idea of what people are ‘allowed” to do as opposed to the freedom of finally taking a leap of faith to surrender to the Lord!

In short, when a person rejects the universal proposal of chastity, they are rejecting the Church’s proposal to strive for the fullness of virtue, the fullness of holiness, and the fullness of Christ. In other words, they are rejecting a proposition that has to do with opening their hearts more completely to Jesus. Alternatively, when a person rejects the proposal of celibacy, they are rejecting what is often interpreted as a behavioral “command,” something “dictated” by the Church, a dictum that aims to control people. That is, many people are rejecting what they perceive to be an order to behave in a certain way. For these reasons, it is not at all shocking that people respond negatively to a proposal of celibacy (or even a perceived proposal of celibacy). After all, how would you feel if you perceived that the Church was trying to control your behavior? This, by the way, points to an even greater discussion about what it means to “be a good Catholic.” Does it mean to merely do “Catholic-looking” things, or behave in “Catholic-looking” ways? Or does it mean to open our hearts to growing in the fullness of virtue? After all, striving to grow in the fullness of virtue will bring forth “Catholic-looking behavior,” but “Catholic-looking behavior” will not necessarily bring about a heart that is striving to grow in the fullness of virtue.

Nonetheless, to reiterate once again, I want people to know that I stand first and foremost for the proposal of striving to grow in the fullness of holiness, which includes the universal proposal for all people to grow not only in chastity but in the fullness of virtue. Further, in using the word “chastity,” I am not calling for people of the LGBTQ+ community to “embrace” an oft-perceived “life-sentence” of miserable celibacy, but rather I am proposing to them that there is a profound degree of joy, hope, fulfillment, and peace in striving to grow in the fullness of holiness, in striving to enter into a more profoundly intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, through which literally anything is possible. Again, this universal proposal of chastity is offered to all of us regardless of whatever attractions/inclinations we might experience, and regardless of our state in life, and is even for those of us who are married! (CCC 2350) That alone ought to draw people to consider that chastity and celibacy are not the same thing and that there is much more to understand about these words than meets the eye.

An Opportunity for Learning

Overall, my hope is that this article by the Star Phoenix, along with my response, might serve as a springboard for people to pursue a deepening understanding of chastity, the virtue which essentially brought me back to life. Before I came to grasp the reality that chastity and celibacy were distinct, however, there were days when I wouldn’t have been ready to even consider that they meant different things. That is, there was a time in my life when certain new ideas and concepts would trigger a state of anxiety within me which would, as a result, bring me to act out in attempts to self-medicate that anxiety. Indeed, this helped me cope in the moment (though typically in unhealthy ways), but it also stood in the way of me moving into a trajectory of healing.

I can see very clearly now that in those times I was still living within a “trauma-castle” that I had built around myself – a castle where things were predictable, safe, and “in my control” (or so I wanted to believe). While in that “castle,” however, ideas that challenged “my ways of thinking” were terrifying. I can see clearly now that these ideas challenged my sense of having control over things. I “needed” control to reduce the probability of facing the pain within my heart. Those challenging ideas represented the involuntary tearing down of the walls of the fortress I had built around myself; they were simply an unbearable shock to my paradigm of reality at the time. When I encountered those new, challenging ideas (which for a time included the proposal to strive to live chastely), I would lash out, just as any person who has yet to engage in a healing journey from trauma might be inclined to do.

Am I saying that everyone who lashes out is dealing with trauma? Of course not. However, I know I am not alone in my story, nor am I alone in my healing.

For what it’s worth, as I look back, I can see that responding in this way allowed me to retain some semblance of stability, bolstered by the illusion that I was in control. The reality, however, was that I was hanging on for dear life, and my lashing out was tantamount to a survival mechanism to prevent my “castle” from collapsing. However, gradually I was able to move beyond that “castle,” from a state of unhealthily coping to a journey of healing, not on account of the castle “collapsing,” but on account of learning to trust again and growing in healthy, holy relationships and holy friendships (which included holy boundaries). After this initial motivation by the grace of God to take the first step out of the safe-space I had built for myself, my desire to look outside those “castle” walls only increased, and as a result, I chose to break down those walls, brick-by-brick, by my own volition. In doing so, however, I had to face head-on some painful realities that I had not before faced, and in some ways, did not even realize I would need to face.

One of the painful realities that particularly stands out to me to this day was my perception that if people really knew the “real me,” no one would want to love me. Despite having a loving and nurturing family, I had been gripped by this fear for so long that I became entrenched in a fear-based trajectory, where escaping a confrontation with my fears was a higher priority than striving to courageously face them.

In other words, I understand the anxiety of being trapped in a fear-based trajectory and I know how delicately one needs to proceed when exploring challenging ideas, including ideas that serve to simply broaden the set of narratives to which people are exposed. To be pastorally present to persons in such a delicate position requires that we be attentive to the needs of those who are in our care, while understanding that our hearts may be “stretched” in uncomfortable ways. It requires of us a willingness to die to our own objectives in favor of surrendering ourselves to the Lord; only in this state of surrender can we receive people with God’s love in their moment of encounter with us. It requires us to be present in ways that demand that we take stock of our own journey towards holiness.

A Bigger Picture

I share these personal aspects of my story not as an attempt to receive pity or sympathy, but rather to reveal that I have come to know first-hand the anxieties that people face, including those being experienced by many of our young people today. However, Jesus Christ, as revealed in the Catholic Church, brought me back to life, obliterated my anxieties, helped me move from coping to healing, filled my heart with hope, joy, freedom, and peace, and transformed my whole world. In my gratitude, there is nothing more I desire than to help others come to know Him better so that they too can experience His transformative love.

Even more important than walking with Christ towards a better tomorrow, I want to bring the whole world the good news that through Him we can transform not only our anxieties but also every other type of suffering we experience in this world into a joyful gift of penance to lovingly offer to the Lord. We trust that our loving Father, in His infinite wisdom and Mercy, will continue to use our penitential offerings for the greater good of humanity, by way of Him choosing to shower humanity with added graces which, if cooperated with by us, may contribute to the salvation of souls. Given the suffering that our young people are enduring today, it is my hope that they can come to know this reality. This is not to instill the errant but well-intentioned platitude that “everything happens for a reason,” but rather to help people understand that the suffering they experience can be assigned a purpose. In engaging in that offering of self, united to Christ on the Cross and the Immaculate and Sorrowful Heart of Mary, we can enter further into the fulfillment of our Christian mission here on earth.

In Closing

Our young people, and the entire Catholic community, need to know of this mission so that they will know that regardless of who they are, regardless of what they have experienced (in the sexual realm or otherwise), and regardless of their journeys thus far, there is a place for them to call home, here in the Catholic Church. Further, this is not only a place for them to “be,” but a place for them to thrive, for this mission has been designed specifically for them by God, who always has the eternal in mind, and who has chosen them from the beginning, to fulfill their holy purpose here and now.

I hope that this helps explain where I stand.

Thank you for your time and God be with you.

H +